How It Really Happened (By the Father)

It was a cool, calm September evening. I had just retired from a long, strenuous day of work and had finally found a comfortable position on the living room couch.
Suddenly, from the back of the house came a thunderous roar that shook the foundation. That was immediately followed by approaching footsteps that made little ripples in my drink resting on the coffee table- very "Jurassic Park" style if you ask me.
The dogs, sensing the danger, were in the corner whining. I told myself, "Damn it, Ryan, you must have forgotten to take out the garbage again! Idiot!" I was already on final-written-warning and I knew this had to be it: Game Over.
Rounding the corner came my beautiful bride, although something was slightly different about her this night. Maybe it was the four-inch-diameter hot pink curlers in her hair. Perhaps it was the tears welling up in her eyes. Maybe it was her frigid stare looking deep into my soul.
My first instinct, of course, was to try and acknowledge her new haircut (or whatever) so I wouldn't get in trouble for failing to notice. I almost said, "I like your new eyebrow wax," but something about the look I was receiving told me this was not the time for desperate guessing. Whatever she was upset about, I knew that I had done it. I knew I was going to get it. I was scared.
With a fast, stabbing motion she thrust out her arm holding a long, white object roughly the shape of a flattened toothbrush. I flinched, but luckily the stab came up short, just a few inches from my face.
(Low, loud, scary voice:) "Look what you did to me!!!"
At this point, I honestly could not see what she was holding because the living room lights had been dimmed. I knew I was going to die this night, but I was confused- I figured I would at least know my crime before the execution.
Trying to steady my quivering voice so she wouldn't smell my fear, I whispered, "I love you, honey. I sure appreciate everything you do for me. You look hot in those curlers. I'm afraid I can't see what you are holding, would you please turn up the lights?" (Time for wild guesses after all... what did I have to lose?) "Have you lost weight?"
A deafening screech poured forth from her lungs and she marched over to the light switch and violently slammed it on.
Then I was able to see what the fuss was all about: two pink lines.
And we lived happily ever after.
THE END